When our favorite games release a patch, we always dive right into the patch notes. We have so many questions! Did that bug I noticed get fixed? Has that annoying exploit been squashed? Can the Pope still excommunicate me because he doesn't like my looks? When I urinate will my hands and penis get locked together? You know—typical, everyday game questions like that.
Amidst the dry, routine patch notes about improved optimization and tweaks to weapon damage there's occasionally gold to be found, notes that make you laugh even if you don't play the game itself. Here are some of the weirdest and most wonderful patch notes of the year.
Scum has penis problems
Bug fix where penis would get bigger with each login
Fixed a bug where urinating would lock hands and penis if interrupted
Fixed a bug where it was possible to increase penis size without it affecting other attributes
Oxygen Not Included has oxygen and poop problems
Fixed a few crashes if a duplicant steps in water, breathes oxygen, or tries to idle near the edge of the world
Loading a save file with dupes who are low on breath should no longer cause the dupes to be invisible
Sneezing now actually plays the full sneeze animation
Fixed a crash that could occur when a fish flopped outside of the world
Creature's recent diet will properly load to become poop, no more mass loss
Creatures should no longer poop out literal tonnes of material
Stardew Valley has international law and relationship problems
Fixed a Geneva Convention violation (by replacing red crosses in graphics)
Fixed babies sometimes spawning in houses that don't belong to the parents
Fixed player sometimes getting stuck in bed after another player got in and then back got out
Fixed spouse NPCs not kissing farmers
Golden Pumpkin is now a universal love (instead of universal hate)
Crusader Kings 2 has Pope and AI problems
The Pope is no longer likely to personally excommunicate you just because he slightly dislikes the look of your face
The AI no longer thinks it is a brilliant idea to betroth its underage heir to a woman so old they'll be infertile by the time the betrothal can be turned into a marriage
Told the AI it might as well not bother to loot if it can't even muster 500 men
The AI now, having decided it should send its retinues home, won't simultaneously decide to leave them just sitting in the county of some random dude in the same realm, leading to the AI keeping its military AI alive indefinitely
The terrific artifact "Axe of Perkunas" is no longer described as "not terribly useful"
Fixed rare edge case where a sub-unit commander you killed would miraculously return to take your eye out in your next battle event.
Discord has sound problems (and Daft Punk solutions)
Added a volume slider to the inline media player because that llama video someone sent me was loud and confusing
We did some heavy tinkering on Discord’s core infrastructure. Most of the following bullets are related to this. Queue the Daft Punk track
We’re not joking, please listen to this while reading for maximum impact
The Sims 4 has responsibility and boundary problems
Fixed an issue where Father Winter could abandon his parental responsibilities by making all of his children disappear
Fixed a problem where if two sims WooHoo in another sim’s bed, the WooHooing sims could claim that bed as their own
Fixed teenagers being able to send inappropriate text messages regarding the Romance Festival
Destiny 2 has matchmaking and giant boss problems
We have identified an issue with matchmaking within the Blind Well. As a workaround while we work on a fix, players are advised to enter the Blind Well slowly via the right side hallway while hugging the wall.December 6, 2018
This week we fixed an issue where Protheon, Modular Mind, the boss of the Inverted Spire strike, grew three times his normal size.You asked for video evidence so here's your "bigboi" in action. pic.twitter.com/CF0OgyDAvLDecember 4, 2018
West of Loathing has word problems
Letters should no longer double-up when you type text in the Linux version of the game. Our apologies for the extra work now required when naming your horse “Balloon”, “Cappuccino”, or “Tennessee Bookkeeper”
Corrected a typo that was maybe preventing Pete from complaining about his joints in one pretty specific circumstance
Removed the worst 11 jokes, added 11 different, potentially worse, jokes
Fixed typos, more than we cared to count (maybe... 42?)
Fortnite has 99 problems and players ain't one
The size of the Soccer ball in the juggling emote has been fixed
Players hit by a Boogie Bomb while holding Balloons will no longer have physics issues. They will now properly drop the Balloons
Guided Missile no longer fires in the wrong direction
You can now build through Shopping Carts
Vending Machines spawn more often, cost less, and have an increased chance to spawn at a higher rarity
Players will no longer hear ‘ghost footsteps’ after eliminating an enemy
Dwarf Fortress has zero problems (while continuing to be the high water mark for patch notes)
Mulling over long-term memories can lead to shifts in intellectual values and personality changes
Changed horror calculation from seeing a dead body
Stopped stuttering lag from repeated vegetation connectivity checks
Stopped inebriation personality alterations from being permanent
Separated thoughts for seeing somebody die and finding the body
Made dwarves visit museums properly
Stopped animals from developing need for alcohol after experiencing trauma
Stopped unintelligent creatures associated to civilizations, like domestic animals, from worshipping gods when given historical status
Stopped animals from forming grudges and other chat-based relationships
