THE LOWS
Samuel Roberts: Tomb Raider still not coming to PC, sad face
I’m not angry at Tomb Raider’s Xbox One exclusivity, as such, it’s just one of those mild inconveniences that’s happened in my radius. I enjoyed the last Tomb Raider a lot and would like to play the new one for £30, rather than £330. The game sadly (and unsurprisingly) looks pretty cool judging by the images released this week, swapping out the tropical island of the original for an icy setting somewhat in Red Dead Redemption’s ballpark (the Tall Trees bits, with all the bears and frequently angry wild animals plodding through the snow. Maybe Lara will fight Bigfoot!). Anyway, it’ll be on PC eventually according to my Random Outcome Generator—this is just a reminder that we’re far off a follow-up to 2013’s confident reboot on PC. For it to not happen in the next 100 years would be pure folly! Or, you know, a contractual obligation.
Chris Livingston: Kappa
I watched a lot of the DICE Summit this week, which meant having Twitch open most of the day, which meant occasionally glancing at Twitch chat, which meant wanting to scoop out my eyeballs and clean them with bleach. On a busy stream, Twitch chat is an awful place, filled with the same pointless anger and eye-rolling ignorance of a YouTube comments section only in real-time, an endless stream of stupid and abusive communiques flying upwards faster than the film credits at the end of a TBS presentation of Old School.
In a channel with a handful of viewers, Twitch chat can be great: people can actually talk to one another, the streamer can respond to questions and thoughts, and a moderator has a good chance of deleting abusive messages. When the number of viewers reaches critical mass, it becomes absolutely pointless for everyone. Comments over three words in length fly off the screen before they can even be read. If you respond to a comment, the person it's meant for will probably never even see it. If you have a relevant question or statement, it'll be instantly lost among the flood of detritus. On busy streams, I don't understand why anyone even bothers. Kappa.
Chris Thursten: I’ve wasted 1,859 hours
Honestly, nothing much has gone wrong this week. I played a lot of Infinifactory. I won as many games of Dota 2 as I lost. Instead, then, I’m going to choose to be annoyed about the fact that I spent 1,859 hours of playing Dota 2 without knowing about this, the king of all Space Jam remixes. You might not consider Space Jam remixes to be integral to your experience of five-on-five action strategy lane-pushing games, but I believe that you are wrong. I don’t believe that you know what Dota is until you’ve bellowed ‘welcome to the space jam, motherf***ers!’ at some strangers who can’t hear you. Once I attempted to yell that in German! My German isn’t very good.
My hobby is weird.
Tyler Wilde: I guess I’m going to try some ‘focus pills’
I ignore Facebook ads. We all ignore Facebook ads. But part of my job is to report on things being marketed at gamers, so when I see the curious headline “8 Reasons Why Gamers Are Scrambling For This Focus Pill,” I feel it my duty to click. The link takes me to a clearly fake ‘magazine’ site with a list article espousing the wonderful effects of focus pills via gifs of Samuel L. Jackson and Andy Samberg. I’m rolling my eyes at the insult to my intelligence, but I click onward to the site which apparently holds the key to my brain’s potential. These supplements have “scientifically proven ingredients” that reduce stress and enhance learning and memory, I’m told.
I’m all grossed out by the way they were marketed to me, but my curiosity gets the better of me and I order some (not from them, as I imagine their ‘free trial’ which turns into an expensive subscription is a pain in the ass to cancel). Considering the fairly dismal reviews on Amazon, the claim that “these pills provide gamers with unparalleled focus and concentration” seems awfully dubious. So let’s see if my Ratz Instagib 2.0 game improves, shall we? I’ll report back when I’m all doped up on Bacopa Monnieri and Choline Bitartrate. My prediction: I just wasted my money because I really wanted to prove a point.
Phil Savage: Wobbly logic
Dead or Alive 5's game director, Yohei Shimbori, seems a bit worried about his game's upcoming PC release. In a recent interview, he had a request for would-be modders. “We would like to ask PC users to play our game in good moral and manner,” he said. “Otherwise, we won't be able to release a title for PC again.”
Reminder: this is the director of Dead or Alive, a game series most famous for advancing hyper-wibbly chest technology. Apropos of nothing, here is a list of Dead or Alive 5 DLC packs.
1. Ultimate Sexy Costumes
2. Tropical Sexy Costume Set
3. Nurse Costumes
4. Bath & Bedtime Costumes
5. Maid Costumes
6. Ultimate Sexy Bunny Costume Set
What exactly is Shimbori's fear? That modders might implement a groundbreakingly kinky costume set before he's had time to monetise it?
Tom Marks: Liquid state deprived
As I mentioned in my high, California is wilting. We aren’t just in a drought, we’ve been in a drought for five years and it’s just been getting worse and worse. Why is this my low of PC gaming? Because despite the fact that we aren’t getting enough rain, and our hometown of San Francisco actually had its driest January on record with a whopping 0.0 inches of rain, and I want it to rain and never stop raining, the sky had to go and pick the day I am moving a computer to start a torrential downpour. I mean nearly down to the hour. I have a big, expensive box of electronic things that absolutely can’t get wet that I have to transport outside at the time of day the weather report tells me it will be raining hardest. Thanks sky.
