Earlier today, NASA reported that its Mars Curiosity rover made some curious new discoveries on the Red Planet. Alas, still no aliens: the rover found some rocks—some billion-year-old rocks—containing "ancient organic material." There was also mention of some "mysterious" methane fluctuations in Mars' atmosphere, but I'm more concerned with the ancient organic stuff, which, it should be noted, does not mean ancient living stuff. Organic material can be produced without life. But still.
If videogames have taught us anything, it's that nothing good comes from Mars. I'll tell you what comes from Mars: Hell. Hell comes from Mars, NASA, and it's only been two years since we cleaned up the last incident of Mars Hell. This is all written down: the Union Aerospace Corporation went digging around Mars—quite possibly lured in by the discovery of ancient organic material—one thing led to another, and they opened a portal to Hell. Because that's what happens when you go digging around Mars.
There is a silver lining: as we mention above and NASA was quick to point out, "while commonly associated with life, organic molecules also can be created by non-biological processes and are not necessarily indicators of life," which is encouraging. No portals to Hell have opened as of yet. Less encouraging is what Thomas Zurbuchen, associate administrator at NASA's Science Mission Directorate, had to say:
"With these new findings, Mars is telling us to stay the course and keep searching for evidence of life. I'm confident that our ongoing and planned missions will unlock even more breathtaking discoveries on the Red Planet."
Mate, Mars is telling you to leave well enough alone before you open another portal to Hell. What do we stand to gain from these missions anyway? A deeper understanding of our universe and our place in it? Answers to life's biggest questions? Invaluable geological and meteorological data? The innumerable technological advances which space explorations have given us? Uh-huh. But is that really worth the risk?
