If a thing exists, you can probably buy a Cyberpunk 2077 themed version of it now

For a game that isn't out yet, Cyberpunk 2077 sure has a lot of merchandise. As well as the usual stuff like headphones and apparel, we're also seeing big companies like OnePlus and Adidas teaming up with CDPR to get a slice of this lucrative cyberpie. Here are just a few examples of objects churned out by this relentless merchandising machine. I'm not saying you should buy this stuff. In almost every case you probably shouldn't. But it's interesting to see the cultural reach this game has developed over the years.

Disclaimer: Some of these products are not real. I made them up. But can you guess which ones? CAN YOU?

Cybersneakers

Adidas is the latest megacorp to jump into bed with CDPR. They've collaborated on a shoe, the X9000L4, which—as far as videogame themed sneakers go—isn't completely hideous. But with limited availability outside of select Asian countries, they won't be easy to come by. This isn't Adidas's first videogame rodeo. Back in 2007 it collaborated with Microsoft on a Halo 3 shoe and the results were, uh… well, see for yourself.

Cyberphone

This special Cyberpunk edition of the OnePlus 8T has a unique futuristic design and, dare I say it, actually looks pretty cool. The yellow accents are tasteful, and the giant camera module has an almost retro-fitted look to it, reminding me of the design of some of the game's cars. It's a decent phone, with a 120Hz display and, based on reviews I've read, really fast charging. But pre-orders are currently only available in China, so getting your hands on one might be tricky. 

Cyberbrick

Encompassing the latest in brick technology, this limited edition Cyberpunk 2077 house brick will give a futuristic edge to any construction project. Imagine it: a semi-detached suburban house built entirely from these stylish bricks. Visitors will marvel at the Cyberpunk 2077 logo repeated across the exterior of your house. Neighbours will tremble with envy. And everyone will know just how much you love dystopian open-world RPGs.

Cybercar

You can't actually buy this, so it's not really merch, but I'm including it anyway. In the game, the car of choice for Johnny 'Keanu Reeves' Silverhand is a modified 1977 Porsche 911 Turbo, which has been recreated in real life. It's painted in silver (obviously) and has the Samurai logo slapped on the back, as well as other subtle futuristic touches. It's currently on display at the Porsche Museum in Stuttgart, Germany, but I wouldn't be surprised if it ends up being sold at some point. Then maybe it can be yours.

Cyberbelt

Picture the scene: you're a cool cyberpunk with a mohawk, using a neural implant to hack into a megacorporation's mainframe. But damn! You screw up and the alarm sounds. You run away, guns blazing, chased by evil cyberbastards—and then your trousers fall down. Avoid this embarrassing situation by investing in this official Cyberpunk 2077 belt, which features the emblem of the 'chrome rock' band Samurai. 

Cyberchair

Cyberpunks don't sit down much, what with all the car chases, hacking, infiltration, and stabbing people with retractable arm-blades. But if they ever did sit down, they'd probably sit down on something like this. I know people love these chairs, and this is probably a high quality product, but man, I would never have one in my house. I think a chair should blend into its surroundings, not constantly alert you to its presence.

Cybercrime

No.

Cyberpuzzle

Even jigsaw makers are getting in on the Cyberpunk 2077 action. This officially licensed puzzle has 1000 pieces, and comes bundled with a tote bag and a poster. I don't really have anything clever to say about this. If you're into puzzles, it seems like a good one, and I dig the image of V chilling out on a futuristic subway train. I also like the slightly weird contrast of a cutting edge videogame like Cyberpunk 2077 with a form of entertainment, the humble jigsaw, that has been around since at least 1760.

Cyberkettle

Even cyberpunks need hot water. When you're chilling back at your stylish Night City penthouse after a mission, you'll probably want to relax with a hot mug of cybertea. And that's where this Cyberpunk 2077 kettle comes in. Quite simply, it boils water. But thanks to the Samurai emblem badly Photosho… I mean, printed on the side, it boils water with style. You can imagine Johnny Silverhand himself heating up water in this, brewing up a lovely mug of tea before skidding off on his motorcycle. 

Cybermodel

If you're really, really besotted with Cyberpunk 2077, and you have $300 burning a hole in your neon parachute pants, you could always spend it on this hand-painted model. It depicts the game's Trauma Team—emergency medics who operate like a SWAT squad—and there's a nice amount of detail on it. But $300 worth of detail? I'm not so sure. However, figures and models, like sneakers, are some of the most inexplicably expensive items on the planet, so the price of this isn't that surprising really.

Cyberheadphones

Peripheral manufacturers have been slapping videogame logos on headphones for years, so it was inevitable they would get in on the Cyberpunk action too. These ones are by SteelSeries and feature a design inspired by the game's netrunner ability. I like how they've incorporated the distinctive blue and yellow from the game's logo on the mic attachment, and SteelSeries' Arctis headsets are generally pretty good.

Cyberegg

This ain't no ordinary egg. This is a Cyberpunk 2077 egg. Based on one Johnny Silverhand once used to cook an omelette, this egg takes breakfast to the next level. Fried eggs. Scrambled eggs. Poached eggs. Boiled eggs. You name it, you can make it with the Cyberpunk 2077 egg—as long as it contains egg and nothing else. But act fast, because only a dozen were laid, and once they're gone, they're gone.