Hector: Badge of Carnage review

Hector has a puzzle where you have to pass a comatose heroin addict off as a defective sex doll as part of a plot to blow up a porn store.

Review over. 82%. No. Really. You don't need to know anything else. I could tell you about the plot, that it's more or less Peter Griffin as a cop, protecting an England where Eddie and Richie's flat from Bottom leaked out and infected a whole city with its weapons-grade filth. I could mention at least three other moments just as darkly wrong as that opening sentence, and the only reason I don't is that it's a typically short Telltale game. It'd spoil too much.

What matters, though, is that this is the game where you pass a heroin addict off as a sex doll as part of a plan to blow up a porn store. If you find this offensive, don't expect any sympathy – Hector is one of those rare games that simply does not give a fuck. If you don't choose the most offensive dialogue options at every turn, you're playing it wrong. Even its hints screen hates you and wants you to die. “I love that look you get on your face when you're frustrated,” it sneers. “Fat, pouty lips, crossed eyes, acne-flecked skin pockmarked with anger and twisted into a hideous sneer of confusion… Oh, that's just your regular face. Sorry.”

Hector is easily the most British game you'll play this year, and one of the funniest. It's the copy of Viz you used to sneak peeks at; the late-night comedy you were never allowed to watch. It wears its heart on its sleeve, even as its scabby balls ejaculate pitch-black venom into your eyes. You can't approve of it, although you will laugh. And when you laugh, you can't complain.