Midway through our usual Monday morning meeting, an unidentified person joined the video call. Evan Lahti, global editor-in-chief of PC Gamer was in the call. Twice.
But this new Lahti looked much older, his frazzled grey hair crowding the frame, a bushy beard riddled with small bits of debris, including velcro cable management straps, LEDs, and crumbs from an unidentified snack.
Impostor Lahti claimed to be from the future, having discovered a probability rift in the spacetime continuum upon inserting a USB cable into his PC the right way on the first try. He’d just come from the convention center in Los Angeles v3.58 (BETA), California with all the latest news and announcements in PC gaming from E3 2077, news and announcements he then shared with us. We recorded every word.
Below are the headlines and a few details from the biggest stories in PC gaming from E3 2077. It is not guaranteed that this reality will come to pass, but trust that it is one possible timeline. Was Future Lahti trying to warn us? Or was he just hella hyped? Time will tell.
Microsoft is finally getting serious about PC gaming, again
Games For Windows Live’s rebirth as a rogue AI didn’t win over the hearts of gamers. Rather, it tore out the hearts of gamers with mechanical hands made of grimy discarded Xbox gamepads. That explains why Spencer’s E3 t-shirts have read 'help me' for the last couple decades.
EA reveals that reality has been a videogame this entire time
The known universe has since been panned by cosmic critics for boring and aimless missions, exploitative microstransactions, poor matchmaking, and a roadmap that ends with the destruction of mankind.
Google ditches cloud gaming, announces new system to download games directly to your cerebral cortex
But Google can't figure out how to improve brain latency. Synaptic seepage is another issue entirely.
Bethesda partners with McDonalds on the McSkyrim, a biomechanical cheeseburger that can run The Elder Scrolls V
Mod support is limited to ketchup, mustard, nudity, and pickles—hold the tomato.
Borderlands 8 will have ‘all the guns, simultaneously, as if every moment in time were and weren't happening at once, forever and into eternity blinking in and out of existence oh god I can see it... and it can see me’
That’s about 12 more guns than Borderlands 7. Will it be worth the usual MSRP of 5000 insect overlord labor units? Find out more once our writer awakes from their fear trance in our chained hands-on preview.
Hands-on: After the latest update, Cyberpunk 2077 is looking great
The throwback RPG is looking better than ever. Buy our hardback compendium of patch notes collected over the decades.
Ubisoft’s E3 press conference takes home the coveted Tony Award for Best Musical
Standout songs include 'The Heart's Tower', 'Heart Assassin', 'A Siege on my Heart', and 'Far Cry 10 will release next year'.
Syndicate, Shadowrun, and System Shock to be rebooted as real-world simulations
Early testers claim the reboots are glorious bastions of peace sealed off from the horrors of daily life.
Devolver's show was still fuckin' weird somehow
We’ve never seen that much blood, and we survived the Blood Wars of 2056.
Want to feel old? Norman Reedus' Death Stranding baby has gout in trailer for Death Stranding 6: Stranding Strong
No word on a PC version yet. The announcement comes shortly after the Norman Reedus Clone Family Union received formal recognition. It is uncertain whether they will reprise their roles as a bunch of Norman Reeduses.
Esports alternative called 'sports' announced, but are they really esports?
We turn to Twitter for the answer.
Call of Duty 9: Modern Warfare 6: Black Ops 11: Infinite Warfare 3 marks the series' long-awaited return to World War 8
Watch out, because Call of Duty is about to get political.
No battle royale games announced due to less than 100 surviving humans on Earth
For the first year since Fortnite gained sentience, no new battle royale games were announced due to—ah, I've been stabbed. That's me out. The intern got me. Should've suspected it all along. You know, I always thought it was weird that videogame characters recorded audio logs and diary entries moments before death, but now I get... it... gahhh.
Half-Life 2: Episode 3 is out now!
70/100.
More headlines from E3 2077:
- DMV, TurboTax, pee smell, ennui coming in next Dwarf Fortress update
- 1992, 2003 announced as Facebook Timerift exclusives
- Every game is now an Epic Exclusive; Epic Store finally adds shopping cart
- Randy Pitchford's hologram is at it again
- Star Citizen adds spaceship
- New Assassin's Creed game set in 2035, conflict revolves around something called 'clean drinking water'
- First fully RGB person born on show floor, is very blinky
