In the Lord of the Rings universe, Shelob takes the form of a huge spider, an evil entity operating outside of Sauron's influence. She's grassroots evil, a simple symbol for something that isn't nice to look at and even worse when she does everyday spider stuff. Webs? Gross. Eating flies? I prefer kale. All those eyes? No thanks.
In Middle-earth: Shadow of War, Shelob crawls out in spider form, turns into a fine black mist, and takes the shape of a beautiful woman in a slim-fitting black dress. No more webs, no more bug food, and six fewer eyes. How is it that such an iconic, grotesque, all-powerful entity in the Lord of the Rings mythos has been reduced to a human with a refined taste for JCPenney’s top rack? Selling a game that features a big spider as a leading character on the box can’t be easy, but of all the creative solutions possible, even of all the possible human interpretations, a sexy evening dinner party outfit is a bit predictable, regardless of any developer claims about "exploring her character."
But it also made us wonder, if Shelob can just get sexy out of nowhere, then what about the other creatures of Middle-earth? Why should they be left unsexy? So here we present a list of equally unnecessary but also oddly sexy adaptations to be made to Tolkien’s bestiary.
Nazgirls
According to Aragorn, the Nazgul, or Ringwraiths, were "once men, great kings of men." Cool story, Strider, but not a sexy one. Why can't the Nazgul be once women, and also still women? Sexy women! Instead of being corrupted by the nine rings given to them by Sauron, what if instead they just kept it tight and got nice tans? Rather than riding winged Fell Beasts, they could drive around in hot sports cars, pulling up outside movie premieres and stepping out in high heels to the clatter of flashbulbs. And when they stab Frodo at Weathertop, they could all be wearing nice tops instead of those torn and tattered cloaks (gross!).
Watcher in the Hot tub
Guardian of the West-door of Moria, the Watcher is a misunderstood creature. All the time it gets dwarves paddling at the water’s edge curious about ‘tentacle stuff’ but the Watcher has to stop and explain (and bash and eat) to the dwarf that it just wants to watch. If the Watcher could move somewhere sexier, like a hot tub, the bath adults share and leave on for hours at a time, and if the Watcher could smoke a cigarette and become its true self, the soft glow of an ember in the darkness, then the Watcher would feel close to home. (Nothing will ever amount to the arrangement the Balrog and a village of cave trolls had with the Watcher back in the Second Age.)
Sauron's unblinking eye but with amazing lashes
According to some Reddit posts I googled, sustained, fiery, omnipotent eye contact is a key component of sex appeal. So what better way to keep people interested in Lord of the Rings than by giving the iconic orb a literal makeover? Frodo and Sam certainly wouldn’t have made it to Mount Doom in time with this unblinking babe casting its horrible (but tasteful) eyeshadow across all of Middle-earth. Wink. Whoops, there goes another village.
The Great Eagles, but wearing Great Jeans
Whenever the Great Eagles fly in to give hobbits or old wizards a bird ex machina escape route, it’s hard not to take note of how the sun bounces off their plumage, leaving their other side shrouded in darkness, a blinding silhouette streaking across the sky. I say we add one more bulge to that silhouette. Give our elegant birds some jeans worthy of their stature, and I’m talking nice jeans, a good brand like Levis but custom Levis with raw denim. Wrap ‘em tight too, tight enough to warp their distinct creeeee into something a bit more strained, like the jeans are so tight they hurt, but at the same time they feel so good.
Balls-rog
It went by Balls-rog in the First Age—the sweet sex tricks it once pulled off with that whip! Ball taps! Ball pulls! Ball slams! What an age. Back then, the Balrog had a famous catchphrase, and hearing it now really shows how much things have changed in the corrupted primordial spirit monster sex community. "Oh baby you can pass," just doesn’t carry much weight these days. Thanks a lot, Gandalf.
Sexy Smaug is just Brad Pitt from Fight Club (with horns)
If Shelob can take human form, why can't Smaug? Like any good weredragon, Smaug in human form would spend all his time in human form shirtless, to show off his impeccable abs. Smoking cigarettes (sexily) would be a stand-in for breathing fire. In other words, Smaug would just be Brad Pitt circa Fight Club, but with some some cute horns on his head.
Also acceptable, for Smaug in human form: Brad Pitt circa Troy. The point is, Brad Pitt should've played Smaug in The Hobbit films instead of Benedict Cumberbatch, whose abs aren't even close to being dragon-worthy.
Mom Bombadil — a MEMILF (middle-earth Mom I'd like to, you know)
Just change up Mom Tom’s lyrics and call it a day.
Hop along, my little friends, up the Kissywindle!
Mom's going on ahead candles for to kindle.
Down west sinks the Sun: soon you will be groping.
When the night-shadows fall, then the kiss-door will open,
Out of the window-pants light will twinkle yellow.
Kiss the alder rack! Kiss the allegory pillow!
Fear neighter foot nor boob! Mom goes on before you.
Hey now! merry dol! We'll be waiting for you!
Ents
Is it possible to have wood if you are wood? I asked my philosophy 101 professor the same question and I wasn’t allowed to come to class anymore. Nietzsche turned up jack-all too (overrated!). In my personal research, I’ve simply deduced that Tolkien's gentle, wise treemen just need to carve some big knockers and/or six-packs onto their trunks and grow tiny little moss swimsuits around their treeparts. (As the oldest beings in Middle-earth, you know they’re ‘experienced’, too.) Only then will they be sexy enough for Shadow of War’s sexy take on Peter Jackson’s somewhat sexy interpretation of the beloved, distinctly not-all-that-sexy world of Middle-earth.
Other sexy suggestions
Sam Gams
The One Ring could have a nice diamond on it
Dwarfs, but shaved all smooth
Strider? I hardly knew 'er
The two towers, touching
Were-worms, because, you know
