Skyrim: Week of Madness, Day 2: Quest For Dignity—The Housecarl Chronicles

In September of 2012 Richard Cobbett visited a version of Skyrim thrown into chaos by Sheogorath, God of Madness, and the assistance of over 200 blindly installed mods. In our second part, we use magic portals to go clothes shopping in a world with a one-track mind, take a scenic trip through the woods, and Lydia... well, she's not happy.

Catch up on the adventure: Day 1

When we last saw our ever-heroic heroine Compass, Whiterun had just been saved from a dragon in sunglasses and a big purple hat, the land of Skyrim was newly filled with Nords shouting "Fus Ro Dah" at lions and dinosaurs, and in gratitude for saving his Hold, the Jarl of Whiterun had assigned Lydia to be her Housecarl. That at least was familiar enough. Except that instead of being the snarky, well-prepared fighter we know and frequently make walk into traps, it turned out poor Lydia had found herself at the business end of some horny modder's fashion sense. Our story continues.

Geeks! Hurry up and give me a spare Hammerfell Cuirass or a bit of plate or a mage's robe... you must have something I can use in your bag. — *Geeks!* Hurry up and give me a spare Hammerfell Cuirass or a bit of plate or a mage's robe... you must have something I can use in your bag.

You'd think, but I emptied that crap out of my inventory on the way here to buy new spells. See? I can throw fireballs now. Boom! I also bought this book about fungus. You can borrow it, I suppose.

Well, do something! Everyone in Dragonsreach is going to be heading here for dinner in a few minutes!

Pfft. Like I can just say 'put on a full set of Daedric heavy plate armour' and—

No, no, no. As your Thane, in the name of your personal development and for the sake of your soul, I refuse to allow this. Change back out of that nonsense immediately and never do that again.

What? You've got to be— — *What?* You've got to be—

It's for your own good. Cheating, getting something for nothing—what kind of boss would I be if I endorsed that kind of slack adventuring? On this quest we make our way in the world legitimately, missy.

Thane or not, I will have my revenge for this. — Thane or not, I *will* have my revenge for this.

Despite appearances, there actually is a pragmatic reason to stick to 'real' gear. Several characters now offer a dress-up menu, but it's not immediately clear whether it's simply an aesthetic choice, or they actually get the bonuses of the armour set you have them wear—a wide selection from tavern uniforms to assorted armours to, well, other things. Exactly what bonus a complete 'schoolgirl' set would impart, I have no idea. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. I'm certainly not Googling it.

All of these are presented in the same creepy way, which is... well, OK when it's a supposedly consenting love interest or similar, but seriously weird when it's a regular follower—or in the case of Lydia, someone who's essentially a employee who's been ordered to serve you. Amongst the options available are:

"I've noticed how tight your Dark Brotherhood leather is."

"I have trouble controlling myself when you're naked."

"I think wedding dresses look classy."

But you know what really stands out about all of this? While I'm sure there are mods out there that turn every conversation into a potential scene from the most awkward porn movie ever, none of those seem to be installed in this playthrough. Instead, at the top of this list is... wait for it...

"Someone needs a hug."

Awww. And they say romance is dead.

The Skyforge? My Thane, why have you brought me here? I can't walk around town looking like this—I have my reputation to think of!

Not anymore! Anyway, I had this great idea. Why spend 'money' on things made by so-called 'professionals' when we can just grab some resources, make our own gear, and still have enough cash left to find out what Skooma tastes like?

A lot of clothes in the game have just automatically changed—the standard female mage robe for instance now has a rather prominent hole exactly where you'd think, given Lydia's current uniform and the rather pornier things I'm not showing. You still have to acquire them though, with some found in stores, but most crafted at a forge. Almost as weird as some of the items is the fact that you're expected to bring a whole ton of materials, rather than the recipe just being a loaf of bread or something—a sack of ebony for instance, or Daedric hearts that you're probably not going to just stumble across.

But I suppose this is only reasonable. If you're going to mod a game like Skyrim, you obviously want to stick as close as possible to the Skyrim economic system and esteemed Elder Scrolls lore.

There. Behold, the finest armour in all Tamriel!

Speak up. Your muffled agreement almost sounds like sobbing.

That head wasn't even hollow! Look, it's easy. Steel armour. Iron armour. Fur armour. I don't care, just as long as it at least pretends to try and cover my entire ass. — That head wasn't even hollow! Look, it's easy. Steel armour. Iron armour. Fur armour. I don't care, just as long as it at least pretends to try and cover my *entire* ass.

Of course. Anything for my most loyal Housecarl.

—is what I'd say if I hadn't just used the last of our crafting resources making these new boots for myself. Don't worry though, I'm sure we'll be able to whip up some more traditionally heroic gear when we get to the our next town or fifth.

You want me to parade through every bloody hold in the country in these humiliating outfits, purely to give you a cheap excuse to go sight-seeing instead of doing your job and fighting the dragons who want to kill us all?

By the Divines, no. I would never dream of wasting so much time.

Dawnstar sucks. We'll definitely be skipping that one.

Mods have added at least a couple of options for getting around. There's a ring of portals outside Whiterun that warp you to any of the Holds—regardless of whether you've made the trip there before. Fast, efficient, free. I approve, even if it is a bit cheaty. Their presence also possibly explains what the hell a certain familiar looking ship is doing not too far away.

There's another option nearby though, which looks much more entertaining—at least as a one-off. Skyrim already offered carriages for getting between Holds (though they were easy to miss), but they were essentially teleporters. That option is still there, but talking to one of the drivers I notice a new option: Scenic. It's what it sounds like, giving you a choice of horse speeds, or the option to just teleport if you get bored. With this many mods running, getting there is a question of fighting the odds, but it's a good addition I'm actually surprised Bethesda didn't put in by default. Didn't everyone complain about not being able to ride the silt striders in Morrowind? Really? Why not?

Sadly, with the stability of my Skyrim installation right now, there's no way I'm making a full journey by that route. Pity. While the trips last, it's hilarious to have the driver casually smashing through guards and completely unfazed by bits of civil war going on as he drives. He's probably the most badass character in the whole of Skyrim, and he drives a carriage. Respect owed and delivered, sir.

I make a note to myself to head back after I finish playing the game and get to see what mods I'm using, switch off a few of the more intensive ones, and record a video of an example journey. Unfortunately I don't ever manage to make a full journey with everything switched on, but would highly recommend this mod for a more sensible installation. Skyrim is such a pretty game, but it's easy to forget that when you're fighting for your life or focusing on a quest. When you're just sitting there, you appreciate it.

Unfortunately due to game stability, you'll have to mentally add moments like the driver casually running over a Giant while driving over a bridge, or driving through epic magical battles. Sorry. I tried, and left on as much as seemed safe, but ditching the more active additions was the only way to get one uninterrupted recording without a freeze, crash-to-desktop, or full system switch-off.

Picking a destination at random, the dice come up "Markarth". Arriving via carriage, it doesn't take long for some differences to present themselves—though first of course, there's a little important business to be done on Lydia's behalf before going sightseeing in the town itself.

There. I think this will have a real effect on your combat efficiency, Housecarl. A Mass Effect, if you will.

You know what? I'm OK with this. Sure, this steel corset is crushing my ribs and this mask is air-tight, but at least it's actual armour. I'd rather have something appropriate to our setting, but yes, I can work with— — You know what? I'm OK with this. Sure, this steel corset is crushing my ribs and this mask is air-tight, but at least it's *actual armour*. I'd rather have something appropriate to our setting, but yes, I can work with—

Hold it! As an official fictional representative of EA/Bioware, this constitutes copyright infringement, trademark dilution and nulla mensa sine impensa, and I'm here to sue the pants off you. Literally. Hand them over, and please buy our DLC. — Hold it! As an official fictional representative of EA/Bioware, this constitutes copyright infringement, trademark dilution and *nulla mensa sine impensa*, and I'm here to sue the pants off you. Literally. Hand them over, and please buy our DLC.

Bad luck, Housecarl. On the plus side, I just realised that you and that red bikini might actually have more in common than you're giving it credit for.

The main change to Markarth, sadly not including a name-change to Markath like everyone always accidentally spells it, is that it's been infested with giant floating jellyfish for some reason. Also, running in, the guards are swarming all over a naked man. At this point though, pfft. That's barely even noticeable any more. Sadly, nothing else really jumps out while poking around, so I bid it farewell and hit the nearest portal. As Scrooge toasted himself on Christmas Day: To Solitude!

The statue pooping into another statue's mouth?

I don't know. Maybe. I've never spent much time in Solitude.

Too many bards. By which I mean, some bards. — Too many bards. By which I mean, *some* bards.

I guess it will have to remain a Mystery For The Ages. Who built this? Why? Was it an Ozymandias, its meaning lost in dark irony? A statement of rebellion against a corrupt system?

I most definitely do not. — I most definitely do *not.*

It's funny because you look like an angry chicken.

Last on the current tour route is Winterhold, on the grounds that it would be a shame to not at least check out the snowier parts of Skyrim. Last time I was here, in another life, it was as Arch-Mage of the College, so I remember it quite well. It's a quiet part of the world, unless the mages are up to something. Quiet. Peaceful. Not just because lots of it fell into the sea a while back, but because... actually, no, that probably explains it. Either way, it seems like a perfect place to quietly bring things to a—

Yes, werewolves. Lots and lots of werewolves, and not the friendly Companion variety. I land right in the middle of the pitched battle. Hairy creatures of the night on one side, a combined army of town guards and the Blue Stripes from The Witcher 2—

—on the left. The good guys are winning, but there's a lot of fire and fangs and Fus Ro Dah-ing going on, so I bravely keep out of the way and try not to be noticed. Lydia on the other hand joins right in, apparently working off lots of frustration over something or other. Surprisingly, she doesn't just hold her own in battle, she rocks it with some pretty good lightning powers. Having avoided the wilds today, I've not really seen her in a fight so far, but she really lets rip against everything in her way.

You... you just saved me. Is this warm glow in my chest what gratitude feels like?

That or hypothermia. I know which I'm rooting for.

Unfortunately it is hypothermia, and that's a problem—having teleported here, Compass doesn't have any thick clothes to protect her from the cold and it only takes minutes to freeze to death. Despite appearances, Lydia, like the other underdressed NPCs wandering around, is immune—the effect only seems to apply to the main character, not Followers or townies or enemies. Unfair!

No. This isn't going to work. Hurrying back to the portal, it's with no small relief to get back to safe, warm Whiterun. Winterhold and its college, and whatever weirdness has been added by the whims of Sheogorath, will have to wait for another day and a much better suit of armour. Speaking of which.

Skyforge again? Whatever. You think I care any more? Bring it on. In fact, why bother? Why don't I just rip this thing right off and dance naked through the streets singing Ragnar the Red?

If you like, but I was thinking something more along the lines of...

The... the hell? Is this dragonbone? And a magic gauntlet? And a lightsaber?! What's the armour rating on all this? I could be hit with a truck and barely even feel it! I don't understand. What's the catch?

Catch? No catch. See, I've learned something today—that as fun as abusing power is, occasionally there are more important things to consider.

Balls no. Like making sure that if someone's stupid enough to fight werewolves for you, they live long enough for you to get away. It's just common sense. — *Balls* no. Like making sure that if someone's stupid enough to fight werewolves for you, they live long enough for you to get away. It's just common sense.

I guess that's better than... wait. I know for a fact you haven't killed enough dragons to make this, or have anything like enough money from playing tourist to buy the rest of it. Where did you get the components? — I guess that's better than... wait. I know for a *fact* you haven't killed enough dragons to make this, or have anything like enough money from playing tourist to buy the rest of it. Where did you get the components?

Huh? Summoned them from the console, like with everything else I make. Crafting materials are for poor people who aren't also Thanes.

What? What happened to "Cheating, getting something for nothing—what kind of boss would I be if I endorsed that kind of slack adventuring?" and "Making our way through this quest legitimately" and all that other high-and-mighty talk? — *What?* What happened to "Cheating, getting something for nothing—what kind of boss would I be if I endorsed that kind of slack adventuring?" and "Making our way through this quest legitimately" and all that other high-and-mighty talk?

That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Anyway, it all worked out, right? Friends? Frenemies? Hmm. You've gone purple. Have you been bitten by a space weevil?

There are of course many other bits of armour and clothing on offer in the crafting menu and from certain vendors, but you can probably tell the pattern. Sensible things do exist, like Lydia's new dragonbone armour, a kind of Tron-looking thing for mages, and more classic swords and shields ripped from The Witcher 2, Lord of the Rings, and a couple of other fantasy series. The bulk of it though seems taken up with assorted anti-gravity bras, panties, leotards and nipple-poking lycra horrors in an assortment of colours—and I don't just mean for the ladies, but as a general thing. The number of original outfits for men on the various screens can be counted on the fingers of one hand—presumably the one hand not otherwise occupied while most of them were being designed.

Despite a little cheating on Lydia's behalf, mostly to make up for her default look, Compass herself is of course still wearing her bandit gear as scavenged to avoid going too far. As for the adventure, exploring the world has certainly produced some odd things, but spreading things out so thin, it can be a little tough to spot the differences. Next time then, it's time to dig deeper into a single Hold. And where better to go spread a little chaos than Skyrim's biggest hive of scum, villainy, and—

Not so fast, my Thane. After what you just put me through, did you think I was just going to let you just walk away from that forge like nothing happened?

I was rather expecting you to, yes. Since you're an NPC who has to obey—

Not this time. Not after all that. You had your fun with me, but you know what tomorrow is? Tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow is my turn. — Not this time. Not after all that. You had your fun with me, but you know what tomorrow is? Tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow is *my turn.*

Tomorrow! Lydia's revenge! A corrupt city cries out for a hero! Compass, saviour or destroyer? The world's wussiest Mafia! A visit from the God of Madness! Wabbajack!